Sheldon Cooper Quotes
“I’m not insane…. my mother had me tested.”
- Sheldon’s response to the question, “Are you insane?!”
“Yes, well I’m polymerized tree sap and you’re an inorganic adhesive so whatever verbal projectile you launch in my direction is reflected back off of me, returning to it’s original trajectory, and adheres to you.”
- Sheldon’s way of defending himself in a word battle.
“What kind of computer do you have? And please don’t say a white one.”
- Sheldon trying to help an old man with his networking solutions.
“Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard, lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors.”
- The Rock Paper Scissors expansion, by Sheldon Cooper.
“When I try to deceive, I have more nervous tics than a lyme disease research facility.”
- Sheldon doing his best to impress his friends with wordplay.
“Engineering is merely the slow younger brother of physics, watch and learn gentlemen… Do either of you know how to open the tool box?”
- Arrogance and condescension, followed by Sheldon’s lack of skill in physical matters.
“You have about as much chance of going out with Penny as the Hubble Telescope has of finding that at the center of each black hole there’s a little man with a flashlight trying to find the circuit breaker.”
- Sheldon being a good friend, as usual.
“Explain to me an organizational system where a tray of flatware on a couch is valid. I’m just inferring that this is a couch, because the evidence suggests the coffee table is having a tiny garage sale.”
- Sheldon Cooper while trying to clean up Penny’s apartment.
“Artificial intelligences do not have teen fetishes.”
- Sheldon Cooper while discussing Terminator 3 with Leonard.
“If you’re having trouble deciding where to sit, may I suggest One Potato, Two Potato — or as I call it, the Leslie Winkle experimental methodology.”
- Sheldon Cooper throwing some disrespectful words at his arch Nemesis, Leslie Winkle.
“Leonard, you have to do something about Penny. She’s interfering with my sleep, she’s interfering with my work… and if I had another significant aspect of my life, I’m sure she’d be interfering with that too.”
- Sheldon’s life pattern becoming apparent.
“Well, I have no respect for Leslie as a scientist, or a human being for that matter, but we have to consider her undeniable expertise in the inter-related fields of promiscuity and general slutiness.”
- A not-so subtle diss by Sheldon Cooper, again thrown in the direction of his worst enemy, Leslie Winkle.
“Every Saturday I sit here and watch Doctor Who. But after 23 minutes it’s more like Doctor Why Bother.”
- Penny disrupting Sheldon’s morning schedule, thus causing him to watch Dr. Who a bit too late than usual.
“No, I’m going to ask him to choose between sex and Halo 3. As far as I know, sex has not been upgraded to include high-def graphics and enhanced weapon systems.”
- Sheldon Cooper comparing sex to Halo.
“If you can eat this piece of cheese without farting you can sleep with my sister.”
- Sheldon being nice to his best friend Leonard, who is lactose intolerant.
“What exactly does that expression mean, ‘friends with benefits’? Does he provide her with health insurance?”
- Sheldon is not exactly into the concept of dating and sex.
“What part of an inverse tangent approaching an asymptote don’t you understand?”
- Sheldon assuming that the words coming out of his mouth should be understood by everyone.
“Howard. You do not have a PhD. Your cologne is an assault on the senses, and you’re not available for video games during the Jewish high holidays.”
- Sheldon listing the “cons” of his friend, Howard.
“And I bet your mother didn’t beat you with a bible because you didn’t eat you’re brussel sprouts!”
- Sheldon is envious of Leonard’s mother.
“No, mother, I could not feel your church group praying for my safety. The fact that I am home safe does not prove that it worked, that logic is post hoc ergo propter hoc. No, I’m not sassing you in Eskimo talk.”
- Sheldon and his mother on the phone, after returning from the North Pole on a scientific journey.
“1234 is not a secure password!”
- Sheldon hacking into the database of an electronics store.
“Have you chosen one to copulate with?”
- Sheldon’s way of saying “Who will you have sex with tonight?”
“My new computer came with Windows 7. Windows 7 is much more user-friendly than Windows Vista. I don’t like that.”
- Windows 7 is apparently too easy for Sheldon.
“Oh, Mario, if only I could control everyone the way I control you… Hop you little plumber, hop, hop…”
- Sheldon sitting on the stairs playing Mario, being denied access to his apartment.
“Obviously you’re not well-suited for 3-dimensional chess. Perhaps 3-dimensional Candy Land would be more your speed.”
- Sheldon dissing Leonard after defeating him in 3D chess.
“Shes throwing virtual livestock to random men on the internet!”
- Sheldon noting that Leonard’s girlfriend is playing Farmville with others than him.
“We have no idea what pathogen Typhoid Penny’s introduced into our environment. And having never been to Nebraska I’m relatively certain that I have no Corn Husking antibodies.”
- Sheldon becoming nervous after Penny comes home from Nebraska with a cold.